我们都欠电影院一张床票

王五四  2016-03-06 

以前我总觉得那些说“我们都欠周星驰一张电影票”、“我们都欠快播一个会员”、“我们都欠苍井空一张光碟钱”的人很矫情,现在我能理解了,作为一个资深影院观片者,我也想说,“我们都欠电影院一张床票”,每次走进影院,我都能睡得特别好。

以前习惯了一个人去电影院,后来都是老婆陪我一起去,感谢老婆这么多年来的陪伴,每当我呼噜声响起时,总是她第一个把我推醒,避免扰民。在认识她之前,都是后排的,或者左边的,有时是右边的,偶尔也会有前排的观众,是他们不辞辛苦一次次叫醒我,辛苦你们了。

电影让人产生睡意并不是什么奇怪的事情,别跟我说你没有过这样的体验,看苍井空老师的电影你不想睡觉吗?前天我抽空把烂片《澳门风云3》给睡了,睡评不错,在广电总局的金龙标出现之前我就睡着了。不是所有的奶都特别酥,同样不是所有的电影都特别好睡,也有些烂片会气得你睡不着,毫无底线可言,比如《极限挑战之皇家宝藏》

在经历了2月份众多烂片的催眠洗礼之后,3月份等来了一部好莱坞影片,亚历克斯•普罗亚斯执导的《神战:权力之眼》,这位曾经指导了《机械公敌》和《移魂都市》的导演,本次携手曾主演《300勇士》的巴特勒、《权力的游戏》的尼古拉•科斯特•瓦尔道,为观众们呈现了一部……3D版的《圣斗士》?埃及版的《满城尽带黄金甲》?真人版的《数码宝贝》?,好吧,都是海报设计的错,其实是一部史诗级的年度冒险奇幻巨制!

看这部片子时完全睡不着,恐高症都犯了好几次,神与神之间的打斗就非要在那么高的地方吗?除了场景瑰丽宏大逼真之外,戏里几个配角也都发挥滴淋漓尽致,男配角主要负责演技,女配角主要负责抖胸,老戏骨杰弗里·拉什在电影里扮演了拉神,一个跟其他诸神有各种亲戚关系的神,他用自己的精液和阴茎的血液创造了其他神,并用自己的泪水创造了人类。两个女配角,美少女Courtney Eaton和美少妇ElodieYung,则在广电总局尺度允许的范围内胸相毕露,春光无限,露也不争春,只把春来叫。

我尽量不剧透了,简单点说《神战》这个片子讲述的就是叔叔抢了侄子的王位睡了侄子的女朋友,侄子又抢回王位重新睡了女朋友的故事。所以说,封建王朝的世袭继承要不得,很容易出事,还是民主选举好,正在北京召开的两会给这部封建王朝争夺霸权的电影好好上了一课,希望在京参加两会的委员和代表,能够组织观看这部片子,从中总结出全国人民代表大会和人民政治协商会议的优越性,也希望在京参加会议的冯小刚委员不要再打瞌睡了,认真思考下部片子。

前总理说房地产商要流道德血,《神战》里的神流的是黄金血,当利刃扎进神躯,金水四溅时,那一刻我真正懂得了什么叫物欲横流,只是不知道女神有没有黄金大姨妈。

想更好的理解这部电影,还得稍微储备一些古埃及的神话知识,比如说影片在台湾上映时叫《荷鲁斯之眼》,荷鲁斯就是男主人公,在埃及的很多艺术作品中都有一只大眼睛,它就是荷鲁斯之眼,它代表着神明的庇佑与至高无上的君权,古埃及人相信荷鲁斯之眼能使人重生,所以它经常被画在墓室的壁画上,希望死者能够获得转生,荷鲁斯之眼就像女生忽闪忽闪的大眼睛,让人死去活来。

另外一个点就是埃及神话里的众神往往喜欢“乱伦”,哥哥娶妹妹,儿子娶妈妈,公公娶儿媳一类的,比如影片里荷鲁斯的父亲奥西里斯就娶了自己的亲妹妹伊西斯,伊西斯又睡了自己的弟弟赛特,赛特又霸占了侄子荷鲁斯的媳妇……,这些当然是神话故事里的,但并不是歌里唱的那样“你哭着对我说,神话里都是骗人的”,中国历史上有不少类似的案例,鲜卑族就有群婚制的风俗,在鲜卑入主中原后,仍存有蒸母、极嫂的坏毛病,北齐时,父亲霸占儿媳,叔叔霸占侄媳的例子也不少,中国的神话里也有伏羲女娲兄妹通婚的讲法。

生,一直是中国文化的最高追求目标,早期女性因着生育功能而被崇拜。当人类后来认识到必须男女一起啪啪啪才能生人的时候,对女性的崇拜也随之改变,神话故事的内容也发生了变化,由女娲造人变成伏羲女娲兄妹通婚,埃及神话故事里也有大量的兄妹通婚,不知道源头逻辑是否一致。生,虽然要由男女双方完成,但是养却不得不仰仗女性的胸部,在埃及神话里,荷鲁斯有一次被毒蛇咬伤,他的母亲痛不欲生,放声痛哭:“……,我的乳房胀鼓鼓的,我的孩子却是饥肠辘辘;我的乳房犹如溢满的井,而我的孩子仍焦渴难忍”。母爱是伟大的,女性的爱也是伟大的,在三八妇女节三七女生节三六女神节到来之际,向她们致敬。

一部好的电影就像一次优秀的大保健,能给我们带来很多东西,或是视觉上的享受,或是人生感悟,或是三观修补,或是身心按摩,或是良好的睡眠……,从这个意义上讲,我欠电影院一张床票。

 

 

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